Today’s Random Music Moment is Fearless by Taylor Swift. I chose song mainly for it’s title. “Fearless”. I’m not usually a listener of Taylor Swift’s music, though I have nothing against and she is one of the world’s biggest pop stars. And truthfully, I like watching her in the media, and think she’s done are really good job, and really well for herself. Why I chose her song Fearless today isn’t because it was stuck in my head. It isn’t because I randomly heard it somewhere either. Rather, I was looking for anthem that will help me defeat my fears right now. Well, not really defeat my fears, since while I am afraid, so deathly afraid that I’ll fail miserably, I needed something to remind me. In her song, Taylor Swift is singing about a guy who makes her feel ‘fearless’.
For me, it’s not about a guy.
For me, it’s about my career. My future. Tomorrow.
I see it all in front of me, and all these pathways from my past have converged at my current point, exceeded me and placed so many more options in front of me. They are extending bright colourful, rainbow bridges, and bridges in front of me.
During my undergrad studies (I’m currently postgrad at the moment) I never really had a notion of the distant future. Sure I knew what I wanted, sure I knew where I wanted to go and how I wanted to live the future. I want what everyone wants: To Be Happy. Easy. Not so easy. What would make me happy? I knew and I didn’t know. I wanted to study linguistics–specifically cultural linguistics, so that’s what the area I studied in for my bachelors. And then I knew what I wanted to do after. And I knew where I wanted to go. But now that I’m here, my breath is fogging up the glass that I’m looking out. It’s like I’ve been locked in a little room with no windows, and plenty of wall space to scribble on for a long time and books on shelves to explore and formulate the theoretical world. Yes, there was so much for me learn, yes I was using what I was learning, but at that point, within that little room, do you really actually see beyond that narrow space? How I got into that room, hadn’t always been entirely my choice. I had chosen it, picked what I wanted to do in uni, and went. I also went there because it was expected of me. I was determined to appease my parents, and also, appease myself. Their dream for me, became mine. Even if I have my own other dreams to fulfil.
And then suddenly my time in the box ended, the minute I passed that milestone in my life and I held a bachelors–a window appeared, giving a peek outside. And I suddenly see everything. I see the pathways my time in the box has afforded me, and I don’t regret anything. Everything outside that little box is so much more vibrant, sparkling, and dazzling than I remembered it before I entered the box. Before I was exposed to knowledge. I am beginning a new stage in my journey, embarking on a new pathway, and it’s scary. I’m standing at the window. I’ve already pushed it open, and I’m looking out to the colourful bridges, and some are dull, pulling at me, telling me to take that path. But it’s not the one I want, even though it’s a necessity to deal with. The one I want is right in front of me, and it’s the most dazzling. From it, there are so many other pathways that split from this one path, and I know this is the one I want. But even though I know this is the one I want, I am afraid.
I am not in a box anymore with four bare walls to scribble on and a bookshelf of books to tell me things. I am standing at the bridge that will take me to the other side. I won’t be ‘just’ the reader anymore. I’ll be the writer of those books of knowledge too, if I take the dazzling pathway. And it’s terrifying. Who knows what would happen out there on the pathway? Maybe I’ll be eaten by mistakes, swallowed by my own quietness, chewed up and spat out for being too hasty and careless in what I do. And yet, I want this so much, it’s slowly making me fearless. Because you can’t be afraid if you want to achieve something meaningful; if you want to do the one thing you want. You can’t let your fear take a hold of you and sweep you away on a harsh current. You can’t let all those insignificant black box ideas tell you that you can’t step onto the dazzling pathway.
You have to be Fearless. And as they say, take life by the balls. Taylor Swift sure did in her song!–it was right, so why not?