Winter is coming.

Winter is coming,

I can feel it in my bones—

That definite chill

That clings to the air

And the ominous disappearance

Of the blue, blue sky.

Mornings are cold,

So much chillier

Than before.

The frigid air that wraps

Around the blanket cocoon

That keeps me warm

In the safety

Of the dreamscape

Where summer still exists.

I dread the early mornings

The same one every day

That is no different

But for the time of the year

And the sun

Yet to rise.

I wake up every morning

And sigh that heavy sigh

Wishing the summer

That had left

With all its

Horrid,

Inescapable heat,

Would come back

And warm my bones again

In a way that hot cocoa

Only achieves

For the space of twenty minutes.

Sometimes I just pretend

That autumn is still here

That it isn’t just an imagined phase

Of seasons

That this year chose

To skip over

And throw me into

The depths of winter

And its chilly hell.

There is an unidentifiable itch

At the back of my throat

Coupled with the later

Morning

Wake ups

And the constant need to

Moisten

The dry fields

Of parched land

At the back of my throat.

I sigh and think

With a heavy reluctance

Reaching for that

Soothing

Miracle—

The cough drop—

That maybe,

Just maybe,

I should accept

The chill that clings to my bones,

The midnight mornings,

And hot cups of comforting cocoa,

And maybe, just maybe

Winter is here.

The Blue, Blue Sky

When the sky is blue,

Our fears are lost

In a sea of endless

Happiness,

Patchworked

By the clouds

Soft and puffy,

Heavy and dominating,

The moments of our lives

That float by,

Or come in a sudden squall…

Sparking

And crackling,

Thundering across the

Great blue—

Anger burns

Deep within,

Sadness drills

A hole below

To where the darkness lurks

Waiting for that chance

To pull through

And steal away the blue,

Blue sky.

But always there is that

Endless blue

Unafraid

Of what the dark

Can bring.

Because it is always waiting,

In the form of a smile,

Open arms,

And gently floating clouds,

Waiting to come back.

Waiting to watch us

From above,

And be there,

With the sun shining

When our worries have faded

Even if

Only temporarily—

We are not alone

Under the blue,

Blue sky,

Just close your eyes,

Because happiness is waiting.

This World

This world is a contraction

Of so many things.

We love and hate

Both at the same time.

We are lazy,

Yet we hate sitting.

We are actively busy,

Yet whine about being so.

We love to read,

Yet despise the time it takes

For the world’s most cherished books.

We watch a movie that steals our hearts,

Yet realise the time with a start

And stand to our feet

And whine some more.

We love alcohol

But cannot satiate our thirst

For fear of addiction

When in our rational minds—

Yet still we drink

And drink more for our pleasure

Highly aware of the cautions.

We want so much,

The world,

The love,

The deepest desire,

Yet fear the steps in between

I want

I can’t

I want

I can’t

I want

This world is a contradiction

Of itself,

That blooms and grows and breathes

Yet withers and cries

As it is being tended by the hands

Of its inhabitants

For better or worse

Until the end of time.

This world is a contraction

Of so many things.

We love and hate

Both at the same time.

We are lazy,

Yet we hate sitting.

We are actively busy,

Yet whine about being so.

We love to read,

Yet despise the time it takes

For the world’s most cherished books.

We watch a movie that steals our hearts,

Yet realise the time with a start

And stand to our feet

And whine some more.

We love alcohol

But cannot satiate our thirst

For fear of addiction

When in our rational minds—

Yet still we drink

And drink more for our pleasure

Highly aware of the cautions.

We want so much,

The world,

The love,

The deepest desire,

Yet fear the steps in between

I want

I can’t

I want

I can’t

I want

This world is a contradiction

Of itself,

That blooms and grows and breathes

Yet withers and cries

As it is being tended by the hands

Of its inhabitants

For better or worse

Until the end of time.

Passion. Thesis Diaries part 3?

This time will DEFINITELY be short!

I have really only one thing to say.  Being around 3 months into my PhD, I have learnt (though I already knew, seeing as I can’t help but think about things in the long term) that when it comes to your Doctor of Philosophy, and to all the years you’ll spend doing it, the most important thing is this:  Passion.  You have to love what you want to do, have to want to study it immensely, have to have the desire to make a change about something (even if it’s really small, that’s fine! Just don’t think about a Nobel Prize just yet–you’re not ready, or that might be too big a goal if you’re just starting out), and most of all, you absolutely cannot think ‘This sucks. This is boring.  It’s so bloody dry.  I hate this.’

There are a lot of pressures of life, I’m beginning to notice that will make one think about the ‘job opportunities’ that lay at the other end of the continuum–things like financial situation, peer and parental pressure, reality.  Those sorts of things.  But while, I can’t really say so myself, not really, since I haven’t yet passed all my lifetime milestones, I do want to say this.  I want to be able to say next year, or the year after, or the year after that, that I love what I’m doing.  I want to be able to light up, have sparkles in my eyes, and good hair, when I say ‘I have no regrets’ with the choice I made–one that, in the beginning, may not have been very  practical at all.  Yet it’s the fact that there was Passion that makes me light up like that.

Even though it’s hard, and sometimes inconceivable, I want to be able to make choices in the future that aren’t half-heartedly, that are full of careful thought and reckless yet passionate choices.  It’ll be hard.  But before I even began my PhD, I never wanted to not do it.  Even if I faltered half a dozen times and had to endure a long and agonising wait for my application to be processed.

In the end though–particularly today as I sat with my Supervisors in our almost monthly meetings, I could feel it in the air.  I just couldn’t shut up about what I felt and thought even though my brain kept telling my mouth ‘you’re boring people!’  It just kept flowing out of me, what I loved and what I found so far.  And I knew in that moment, I didn’t want to be studying any other topic.  This topic is mine.  I thought it up.  I picked the area.  And though it might seem like an English Literature research, I will definitely make it Linguistics.  This topic is mine.  And I will make it significant in the future, even though I am soooooooo daunted right now, I’m a bit scared I might wet my pants, and I have never done that ever.

So.  (And crap, because bloody hell, this was longer than I had planned!)  Passion.  Find a topic you’re really passionate about when it comes to postgraduate studies, don’t just pick from a list–unless you’re someone who grows into the topic and becomes passionate later on–it’ll just kill you over the two (masters/depends on the masters course) or three (or four or more depending on the PhD course).  Pick something you’ll love–it’ll define you later.  And you don’t want to hate it, right?

Paralysis. Thesis Diaries part 2?

This’ll be short.  But on Friday (11th Sep), I went to a Postgraduate Researcher Development seminar about ‘defeating self sabotage’.  Admittedly, I was one of few who were in the early stages of their project–at one month to one and a half months old, I was surprisingly not the freshest PhD student in the room.  There were a couple of two monthers, and there was a guy who was only two weeks in!  This surprised the speaker at the front of the room, because she had expected a lot of six monthers or older students.  But to me, I have barely even started and yet I can definitely fear everything they spoke about on Friday.  It’s not hard.  I wasn’t extremely confident when I did my Honours, and right before I finished my third year, I was already shaky, constantly thinking, what the hell am I doing?  Can I really do this?  Who’s going to think I’m capable?  My work is absolutely shit.

Yeah.  Not hard at all for me to think any and nearly all of these things.  Of course when it comes to writing academically, I got through a myriad of issues–Perfectionism, Procrastination, Imposter Syndrome…you name it, and I’ve probably experienced it already!  And that’s mostly because I myself am someone who has a lot of positivity, but sometimes not enough confidence.  Confidence fluctuates.  It will no matter how confident you are as a person, if enough bad things happen, or not enough good things happen, then it’s easy to feel lacking in confidence (I almost used the word ‘unconfident’ which I don’t think it’s a real word, yet I’m sure it’s been used and as a linguist, I am disinclined to think that it would be wrong for me to say that it’s not a real word.)

And indeed, it hits when you least expect it.  After the big confidence boost I got on Friday (I have a supervisor meeting with both my supervisors, and then the seminar in the afternoon, which while interesting, I actually zoned out at some point by accident–lack of sleep, so bad of me!) yesterday, I did nothing.  I had actually intended to further develop the ideas from the supervisory meeting on Friday, however, when I woke up, I had no desire to get up, and stayed in bed for an hour longer than usual.  Then I did get up, but had no intention of really doing anything work related because for three weeks straight, I had been working non-stop and never really feeling I was going anywhere.  So instead, I planned to go out.  With my mum.  So much fun (slightly sarcastic tone since I’m highly aware of how tedious shopping can become with my mum, since it tends to take longer than planned, and then it usually never goes the way I want it to!) which, at the end of the day, didn’t turn out so bad.  In planning such, I didn’t really expect to be lumped with a whole bunch of spring cleaning chores.  And for the these last few days to have been full of absolutely beautiful weather, sure didn’t dissuade my mother from assigning me to the washing and then after that–cleaning up the yard.

I surprisingly managed to take it all with ease, and not mind at all.  Then again, yesterday I was half asleep and it didn’t help that I wasn’t in much of a mood to argue.  I just wanted to go out, and subconsciously, I was probably also thinking I don’t want to do my thesis stuff.  I’m pretty motivated for my project.  I really want to do it, and have invested a lot of my feelings.  But, it’s also kind of really scary.  I can see my deadlines ahead of me.  I’m really aware of the fact that in just under 11 months I’ll have reached the first year of my phd and be required to do a presentation for the confirmation about where I’m up to.  And then, after that, I have another twelve months.  And then the home stretch in 2017-2018.  Three years seems like such a long time, but right now, it seems like it’s also not enough time.  Particularly, and it kind of makes me glad I decided to write something RIGHT NOW about thesis stuff, I didn’t realise that the Confirmation stage is in about 11 months and not 6 months.

You see, this morning, I woke up, got up almost immediately (around 8.30am because hey today’s a beautiful day and I couldn’t resist the vision of sunlight pouring through the curtain slits), showered, then spent over an hour preparing breakfast (wouldn’t let anyone else help me, plus their breakfast was on me for once), and only a while ago sat down.  It was when I sat down did I feel it.  Paralysis.  A mental paralysis.  Just yesterday and Friday I had motivation and an inkling of an idea of what I wanted to do next.  But the moment I sat down, I realised, a wave of panic came over me, and I didn’t know what I should be doing.  I just had this sudden mental blank.  And it abhors me to know that I could suddenly think ‘what am I supposed to be looking at?’  It makes me wonder if this is happening now, why? And then, what about when it happens next?

I think what terrified me most when I sat down, was the fact that on Friday, I went through so much with my supervisors, and this morning, I was thinking about how long until Confirmation.  And I think, for those of us who are so fresh to the course, to the exciting possibility of being someone great in three years time (well not mindblowingly great, but yet, in three years, you’ll have a title, and also, a field of expertise which one will further build on in the future), and if you’re like me, who tends to freak out excessively at the introduction of new things before calming down for the duration, before freaking out at the end again, then it would still be pretty overwhelming.   Maybe for me right now, I’m still overwhelmed by the future, by my project, and that, in order to feel less overwhelmed, I overwork and research and try to fill the hole even though it’s only been one and a half months into the PhD program.  I think, what I really need is to sit back, take a deep breath and remember, I am not alone, I am only just beginning, and I can do this.  I also think, that I am trying too hard to think that ‘I am not good enough’ right now and trying to accommodate that by working ahead, but for this course, I don’t think there’s such things as being able to work ahead.  Research is constantly evolving and developing, and at best, I can only keep up.  What I shouldn’t do right now though, is lose focus.   If I concentrate on my topic, read about more literature and take deep breaths (aka, also known as taking a break), then the next three years will be both the most stressful thing in my life, but also, most likely, and hopefully, three years in which I can say I was really proud of myself.  And hopefully, remembering these things will help me defeat my temporary mental paralysis (which I’m hoping was only a one of thing, because even for me, I’ve never really had such a mental blank/fear before–exams, while always scary and tense, were things I was always prepared for.)

On another note, here’s the beautiful book I bought when I went out shopping yesterday:

I finally got my hands on the new Throne of Glass novel and I’m excited! Can’t wait to get the chance to read it!!!  (But it’s big, bigger than Heir of Fire, though not by much.)  Whoops, not exactly the best picture, but love the cover!

Whooops this wasn’t as short as I planned.  And also, next time I’ll add some more pictures! >.< so it isn’t a whole chunk of writing.

Women Are Fickle

Women are fickle

When it comes to men.

We are prideful

And shameless,

About those we love.

We are happy

When with you,

And sad when

We’re not.

We take your word as gold

And learn how to melt it

To our own desires.

Women are just fickle

Like that,

As we try

And not be so overbearing

When really we aren’t,

We are just thinking

Of the greater good—

Mostly.

When we want—

You better take,

Because when it’s gone,

We don’t look back.

We are your everything,

And yet—

We are also nothing,

Playing seesaw with the moods

Of your heart.

We love your attention,

And feel neglected

When it’s gone.

We respect your space,

As you respect ours.

But we love to be reminded

Every so often that you haven’t died

In the meantime.

Women are fickle,

Loving and hating,

Wanting and needing,

Distant and cautious,

Always thinking,

Always wondering,

If we are good enough for you.

And if we’re not—

We don’t need to be told twice,

For we have our pride,

And there are always men to love—

Another man to love,

Who appreciate us,

The way we should be appreciated;

Who can stem our fickleness,

Hold our attention,

And steal our hearts.

A woman of her own right. 55 Fiction.

There were so many things she could do.  She could punch him.  She could yell at him.  She could cry.  She could beg him.  But none of that was necessary.  It was too late.

Looking him in the eyes, a woman of her own right, she said, “good bye.”

Gathering her bags, she walked out.

[N.B.] Wow.  It has seriously been a long time since I’ve written a 55 fiction story.  But it looks like I might just be writing some more now!  I sure as hell missed writing them.

A Thousand Things to Say #2

A Thousand Things to Say #2 — Have a dream, even if it’s impossible, doesn’t mean you can’t have something a little impossible that you want to make possible.

Life is unpredictable.

I know as one gets older, chasing a dream becomes more and more like a dream and no longer a reality, especially when reality sinks in and we’re forced to make choices about our future.  Plans are made, decisions are decided, and careers are begun, leaving behind the dreams that as children we had held onto so tightly.  These days, as I wait, stuck in an in between place, I wonder about my future.  I feel uneasy because I know the older I get, and the more steps I take towards a path aimed at providing income only and most likely no joy at all (I’m aware how narrow minded this sounds but I’m also aware that I’m a person who wants to be happy with her choice and will strive harder to find a happy place rather than settle with what I get), I move further and further away from my dream.

However, I always want to follow my dreams.  It seems as I get older, my dreams grow in numbers. And while I have two main dreams I want to make reality, I know neither will be easy.  Because life is unpredictable after all.  As I kid, I had plenty of dreams, but you know, with life, half of them dropped away because they were just fanciful things that were said one day, but truthfully I, as a person, did not feel much of a desire to follow them.  However, throughout my life, I’ve always had one main goal–rather this goal was born, left to rot, then years later picked up again and since, been cherished.

To me, I find it impossible to conceptualise (and I am highly aware that perhaps for some, having a dream and following it might not be the first priority) a person without a dream.  When I asked my ex what his dream was, he didn’t have one other than the usual ‘to be rich’.  To me, in him, I saw someone who wasn’t reaching for a higher goal, wasn’t striving to be more than the average person, didn’t really have a future goal.  And while at the time, I was understanding and didn’t say much of it, in hindsight I know my own thoughts about his answer were unfair.  Everyone’s dream is a different size.  Not everyone will put chasing a dream first on their list. I know that.  I don’t always remember it.  But I do know it.

And it’s perfectly fine.  But still, I think it’s good to have some sort of goal to chase after.  Otherwise life will become just one long monotonous journey with little to look forward too.  Or perhaps, I am just overthinking all of this, and being too pretentious for my own good.

Still, I can’t help it.  I have had teachers in high school and tutors/Lecturers in university telling me, and saying that everyone should have a dream, something big to look forward to.  Some have already achieved their dream, while others are still striving.  For me, I could never articulate my dream aloud–I felt, and still feel if I say it aloud too often, it my just faded away and streak away from my outstretched fingers–and so often if this question came up in class, I would answer vaguely.  In truth, that always irritated me, and even though I have told myself to say it aloud and not be afraid.

I am still afraid.

A perfectly human thing to think and feel.  Because it’s not called a dream for no reason.  We have dreams in our sleep, and are aspirations of our ideals and desires.  There is no guarantee that our dreams can be reached.  Just like you’re always bound to wake up from your dream and return to reality.  Making a dream reality requires a lot of work, a lot of confidence in self, and I think, most importantly, the belief in yourself that you can surpass all your own fears and procrastinations to achieve that dream.  Life is unpredictable. But if you know yourself, then it might just be possible to chase that little dream however big or small.

Hopefully you’re chasing/still chasing your dream too?

A Thousand Things to Say #1

I’m thinking of starting a new thing on my blog.  I’ve got quotes from other people–famous, writers, personalities, book characters–but I think it’s time I share a bit of my own wisdom.  I’m not sure how this will go, or what I will say in these parts, but I think it’ll be a nice change.  I’ve needed a bit more change on my blog–that and time.   This will be a temporary segment though, lasting only 1000 pieces of wisdom.

A Thousand Things To Say #1 —-  Don’t hate what you love.  If you like it, you like it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s a cliched piece of wisdom, but it’s wisdom none the less, and I definitely believe in remembering it whenever I face a situation where it’s evident I’m not sharing the majority opinion.  In incidences like these, I have been known for declaring my opinion just a little too loudly, and usually after saying what I really think out loud, I some times feel that widening circle of wariness around me.  Yet, it can’t be helped, I just don’t agree, and remembering that it’s okay to say that I like something has pushed me through.   I won’t lie, I’m sometimes not the strongest person in the world and seeing that I’m different has sometimes shakes my nerves.  After all as a kid, I had to deal with being the only Asian girl in my year–despite the multicultralism of my city, it was still pretty uniform.  And while I appreciated my ethnicity, I didn’t really learn how to appreciate it until later on–and this meant rejecting traditional foods of my ethnicity, and foods that other people weren’t eating.  I didn’t like being short (I’m petite btw and I have a complex about my height, though I don’t try to think about it much, and I would wear heels, but oh boy, you’ll never guess…finding heels for my feet…..is worse than looking for a needle in a haystack to use a common idiom).  I didn’t like looking different.  I wanted to be taller (don’t we all want to be taller? And if we’re not short, then, don’t we all want to be a little shorter?  Just a little different because we think it might make us feel a little bit better?)  It was later on, in highschool, after feeling like a coward for letting myself be bullied–it was partially my fault (no matter how much one says it’s not your fault, you sat idly by…), even if I definitely blamed the bully who bullied me–and not make a stand (too quiet for my own good, henceforth the point where I decided I wanted to speak up, even if a little bit) that I learnt this piece of wisdom.  I was never suicidal, I like to think despite being weak sometimes, I could learn to be strong, and where better to start with appreciating my difference?  It was me who was maing a big deal about things, and hence emphasised how I saw others looking at me.  Truthfully, I like how I look.  I like eating what I like.  I like that I can be cute and small even if sometimes it sucks ( like if I happen to want to sit behind the driver’s seat, I need a cushion so it doesn’t look like Aunt Petunia craning her neck to see what the neighbours are doing).  But then, there are heels for that! (But only when they fit, and I have come into a bit of luck about that over the last few years and still have a functioning wallet.)  From there, it was only a matter taking it step by step to be unafraid of saying ‘I like this’.  Of course when it comes to guys, there is still that ever present fear–but hey, that’s another story.

Dark Inside; Something So Dark.

How do we stand up

in the face of despair?

To fight against the

Storm, the hanging cloud

Over heads?

How do we look beyond

What stares at us in the face?

It seems impossible.

It is impossible.

It can’t be possible.

It drowns us through

And through

Washes us over

And over,

It clings to us,

Taking over our minds

Dipping us deeper

In the dark recesses

Of our greatest fears.

It may not bring tears

To the eyes,

But it is the same…

Unending sadness,

Weighted hopelessness

Unrestrained fearfulness,

That though we fight

May not fight

Wish to defeat,

There is a light

Somewhere

Just waiting for that moment

That time to shine

Down on us below

Deep in that dark cavern,

We all hope

To find the happiness

That will take away this

Endless sadness,

But we all know

Only some of us…

But still we must try…

For why should we let

Something so dark

Decide our fate?

Quote #167

Gilda Radner

From Gilda Radner…

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”

A Moment of Peace

Is so hard to find,

Yet we strive for it,

Search for it,

And spend the time to work

Just a little harder

So that in those moments,

A chance comes by

And we slip away

Out of sight,

And sit in that quiet place

And close our eyes,

And revel in our moment of peace,

To forget about our troubles,

And take the time to think about ourselves

Or to not think at all

And just appreciate the world we live in

Even if for just for one moment,

When nothing else exists

But you and the world,

And the thoughts the dwell

In the recesses of your mind,

Waiting to be thought about

Reminisced about

Smiled and cried about.

For such a little moment of time

In the long life span of our short lives

This moment of peace

Is just as precious

As all those others moments

Of family time

Friend’s time

And stressful hours.

[Notes] Originally I didn’t know what to write, having lacked the time and the inspiration, and then I realised, it was because I was being so busy, or having so much piled on me even though I wanted to do all the things that were handed to me.  So I realised just how important finding that moment of peace is!

A Dying Passion.

The tears of distress

Awash me whole;

They flow undoubtedly,

Flowing evermore;

Encase me,

Suffocate me,

Strangle my throat,

Bogging it up.

I’m falling,

I’m failing,

I can’t find the place in my heart

To express the words I want to say,

There’s a pit of darkness,

And coil of something tight,

Squeezing in on me,

Pressingly.

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want something to take away this pain,

This uncomfortable feeling of unease

The butterflies in my stomach

That churn and pool and flap away.

I have a thousand words to say,

I don’t know how to express

What shouldn’t need to be spoken

But understood with a glance,

I cannot want to drown

In this tormenting

Overflowing

Feelings.

And just when I think I am free,

I am unfettered

Unchained by the chains that bind me

By the obligations that hold me

That turns love into hate

Passion into pain

And I feel the urge, that I have never…

Ever…

Wanted to feel….

It’s so sudden,

But all I want…is to painlessly drain away this pain,

This self-hatred,

This overwhelming desire.

I want to speak what’s on my mind,

Speak as I have never spoken before,

It shan’t be easy,

It shan’t be a wonderful sight,

But though love has turned to hate,

I’m sure one day,

I shall regain this love of mine,

And fine that old passion,

For surely, it’s not too late.

I’m baacccckkkkkkkk!

It’s…been too long.  Officially too long.  I feel awfully for disappearing for so long without so much as a word.  And with the Harry Potter challenge Sam and I had up for July (which was then extended to August, and then even longer due to unforeseen interruptions), I can’t believe I completely dropped off the line and disappeared.  Vanished.  Vamooshed.

My Excuse:  I hate using the word ‘excuse’ but then to say ‘reason’ or ‘rationale’ would be trying to smooth over my evident excuse.  Whatever word I use though, the answer remains the same.  I’m not self-centred enough to think that my disappearance meant a lot to the world, but to me, I felt awful for neglecting my blog, the one place I had committed myself to attend to daily, and at the least, weekly.  But life called and said, ‘if you don’t get moving, you’re going to fail’ and in the end, I disappeared.  My apologies first for disappearing. For those who might remember, I am/was currently undertaking my fourth year at Uni.  Fourth year is thesis year and all year I’ve been working on a thesis, which is now finished and submitted.  When I vanished, that was the moment when I had approximately 3 months left to gather data, sort it out and eventually write it up.  I’ll tell you, I feel like never doing such a thing again.  It was so intense and scary and you know, is it normal to feel so out of place when working on thesis?  The language is so…well in short, on an entirely different level.  By the end, I suppose I got a grasp (maybe an understatement, but then, I pride myself in understatements since it tends to go hand in hand with modesty, and I think I’m quite modest) of what it means to pursue a career in academics, and I feel that with time I will definitely look back and think and I thought it was hard! I know I definitely thought that when I first started uni.   However, now that this year is all over, I’m waiting anxiously for results, and also answers to what will happen next year.  I’m petrified to say the least.  But yes, my apologies to all my readers, fellow bloggers and followers for disappearing for so long.  I look forward to revisiting your blogs again!

But.  I have returned!

Updates:

 

hpchlngbanner

Remember the Challenge?  So even though I stopped posting about it on Day 7 & 8 I did in fact complete the whole challenge within the period of two months.  I would have finished it earlier if life did not spread its wings at the most inappropriate times.   However, I was not deterred, I held my wand up and told life to freeze for a moment, and eventually finished the series.  Re-reading the entire series was well, excellent.  I will probably do it again and again for the rest of my life.  As the one series I practically grew up with, I love it to death and back.  In re-reading the series from a new perspective, I’ll say, I saw things I didn’t see before.  It was also interesting to read the entire series in order, one after another.  I must say, even though I have all the books, I’ve never had the chance to read them one after another, because you know, each book comes out one year later,  and then for me, I would perhaps read the book before to catch up.  Other than that though, it’s straight on to the next instalment.  I cried again, you know (well, almost cried, I did feel my eyes go a little hot, and the burning sensation that signals tearage was present) when I read Snape’s ending.  That’s always one of my favourite highlights of the seventh book.  I also re-watched the movies, and had to really re-appreciate the beauty of the book.  There’s nothing that can quite beat the original, though the movies did a relatively good job, they still missed so many things.  Re-reading the whole series has also given me the chance to praise authors for being brilliant and thinking ahead (I know it sounds silly and very derpish, but even though I know authors think ahead and they foreshadow –as a writer, I do it myself– I just can never get over it when I really see it in action.  It’s a complete out of body experience, of a kind).

What You Missed and What I Was Thinking When I Read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Below are the statuses I made on Goodreads when I was reading.  Oh…I have discovered even though I usually like to reserve my thoughts about a book until the the end, I really have a thing for the status button, and cannot resist updating how much I’ve read constantly.  An obsession, I know.

Reading Progress

07/09 marked as: currently-reading
07/10 page 100 15.0% “Ahhh Ludo Bagmen.

It’s funny there are so many people who complain about the detail relating to the World Cup as being boring and unnecessary but there are so many subplots that begin here and are later on elaborated on (and of course, left out of the movie). Like with Ludo – that guy is such a significant factor in Weasley Twins subplot particularly when you think about it.”

07/10 page 100 15.0% “>>I ran out of space on the last update
And then Winky!!! I bet we all forgot her!!! But she’s so key to not only the plot here with Barty Crouch Jr, but with Hermione’s crusade for House Elf equality in the next book!”
07/12 page 300 47.0% “Hermione and SPEW!!!”
07/14 page 515 80.0% “Lols Harry guessing the password to Dumbledore’s Office

Harry: *list of random wizarding sweets* Cochroach Clusters

*Dumbledores Gargoyle spins letting Harry in*

Harry: no way, I was joking!!!

**Harry Potter July Reread Challenge ❤

07/14 page 537 84.0% ‘…’ Said Mrs Weasley brightly. ‘I must say, it makes a lovely change, not having to cook. How was your exam?’

‘Oh…OK,’ said Ron. ‘Couldn’t remember all the goblin rebels’ names, so I invented a few. It’s all right,’ he said, helping himself to a Cornish pasty, while Mrs Weasley looked stern, ‘they’re all called stuff like Bodro the Bearded and Urg the Unclean, it wasn’t hard.’

Lols, Ron XD”

07/15 page 583 91.0% “Gawd when people start dying…you know that’s when the series has gone dark.”

What You Missed and What I Was Thinking When I Read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I didn’t have much down for this book, but then the book was massive, so I’m not surprised!  And then because I was already overtime with the original challenge timeline, and running out free time to spare, I guess there was little to say.  Not to mention, the last three-four books were the ones I’ve reread the most out of all the books!

Reading Progress

07/15 marked as: currently-reading
07/16 page 100 13.0% “Fred and George <3”
07/17 page 223 29.0% “Lols love the scene when Harry gets sent to McGonagall by Umridge and she tells him to have a biscuit after she learns that Harry called Umbridge a liar, yelled at her and told her that Voldemort was back XD <3” 2 comments
07/17 page 250 32.0% “lols with all the teachers telling Harry and the others how importnat OWLs are, I am surprised to remember starting Yr 12 VCE and hating every first class – the teachers never stopped going on and on about it, and even worse, the year level coordinator tried to make it seem less stressful but really….she made it worse ^^””
07/21 page 600 78.0% “Omg Umbridge and McGonagall, love their interactions! ❤

**For the July HP reread challenge!”

07/21 marked as: read

 What You Missed and What I Was Thinking When I Read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

I am sad to say I had no updates for this except that I was reading it, and that I’d finished it.  Strange…I thought I had updates, but guess not :/.

What You Missed and What I Was Thinking When I Read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Reading Progress

08/14 marked as: currently-reading
08/14 “Omgosh the final book of the July-August Harry Potter Re-read Challenge ! I’ve been dying to get to this book after retracing the steps of Harry’s journey.

Snape!
Oh gawd, I already know what happens, but never ceases to bring tears to my eyes every time I read this book!!!”

08/19 page 300 49.0%
08/23 page 485 79.0% “**July-August HP reread challenge

–It’s getting close to Snape’s shining moment, gawd…I love his story the best T.T”

08/31 marked as: read

And that Concluded my Harry Potter Re-read challenge this year.  If you took part, or even just read the books for the sake of reading the books (it’s undeniable, it’s an awesome series, though that’s only my opinion!), tell me your thoughts!!!  Because really…I’ve to hear them!

More Updates:

So, on the Poetry, Short Stories, and 55 Fiction front, I suppose in between writing my thesis, and unblocking my writer’s block on GR, I have in fact started writing poetry again.  So keep watching, and hopefully, I’ll have some stuff up soon!  I have missed writing poetry – to be honest, I never thought I would say such a thing since after all, I was never much of a poet to begin with.  And as for Books.  I have been severely behind (thank goodness I dropped my yearly challenge on GR to about 60 books this year) on reading this year, however, now free of academic restraints for a little while, I’ve been going on a reading binge!  Finally read The Fault In Our Stars and also discovered that I have a so many YA series to catch up on and finished (you’ll never believe…the majority of the books that I’ve recently borrowed from the library are all final books of series I’ve been meaning to read for ages).  Speaking of TBR books.  Later, or tomorrow I shall be taking on Sam’s TBR tag!

Even More Updates:

I don’t know if you guys remember but a while back I started blogging about the step-by-step process on a particular production procedure of one of my amateur art rampages:  The Zodiac Project (More specifically, the Western Zodiac).  If y’all remember, I only managed to post these three:

Virgo LibraScorpio

However, in the time since, I have been able to post the entire series on my DeviantART: www.n-arteest-deviantart.com.  And given time, I will proceed with putting up the step-by-step of the rest of the series soon :).  For the whole series sneak peak though, look below:

And Lastly, The Final Update Today:

Nanowrimo: Oh yes, I’m taking part in it again this! I’m a bit behind on the word count though, and I think partway through my story, it’s a sludge to read through, however!  I’m excited to be doing something creative once more that’s solo and not relying on others.  It’s strange and it feels like I haven’t done something like this for a long time, but hell, I’m looking forward to the end of Novemeber when I feel like I’ve accomplished something (even though I have accomplished several things this year, it’s just not the same).

NaNoWriMo

And that my dear Fellow Bloggers, Readers, and Friends, is all I have to say for now.   I’m glad to be back!

To Walk That Line

Hi All! I deeply apologise for not attending to my blog lately.  I have been grossly negligent.  Mostly, I have been busy writing my thesis for my 4th year of Uni, and that has taken up a lot of my time unfortunately!  I shall do my best to post, however, it seems I shall be posting ever couple of weeks.  I hope you like this poem, enjoy~

 

 

I’m terrified to walk the line

A line that seems so hard to walk

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again

To walk another step again.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again,

To one another step forward, and put a foot,

Two steps in front.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again,

To one another step forward, and put a foot,

Two steps in front, and halt, pausing,

Thinking, dreaming, pausing….

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again,

To one another step forward, and put a foot,

Two steps in front, and halt, pausing,

Thinking, dreaming, pausing….

I wait, as the wind blows,

The sun beats down on my back

And water from the river below splash against my face.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again,

To one another step forward, and put a foot,

Two steps in front, and halt, pausing,

Thinking, dreaming, pausing….

I wait, as the wind blows,

The sun beats down on my back

And water from the river below splash against my face,

And the earth is hard against my bare feet,

A reminder that I can feel the pain and hardships

Of a woman on a mission.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again,

To one another step forward, and put a foot,

Two steps in front, and halt, pausing,

Thinking, dreaming, pausing….

I wait, as the wind blows,

The sun beats down on my back

And water from the river below splash against my face,

And the earth is hard against my bare feet,

A reminder that I can feel the pain and hardships

Of a woman on a mission,

Walking always forward,

Following the line of my heart,

Searching for that something.

 

I’m terrified to walk the line,

A line that seems so hard to walk,

I tremble as I take one step,

And stumble, tripping, I stand again,

To one another step forward, and put a foot,

Two steps in front, and halt, pausing,

Thinking, dreaming, pausing….

I wait, as the wind blows,

The sun beats down on my back

And water from the river below splash against my face,

And the earth is hard against my bare feet,

A reminder that I can feel the pain and hardships

Of a woman on a mission,

Walking always forward,

Following the line of my heart,

Searching for that something….

That is not just an endless dream.

On The Other Side.

I’m looking out to the world

From this side of the bars.

It’s wide and grey,

The world,

Not the walls

That surround me.

I wonder if,

When I walk outside,

Will I find a world to live in.

I’m frightened

Of the rain that falls

It’s been so long,

Since I’ve been touched,

In that kind of way.

Addicted To Grapes.

Life is like being

Addicted to Grapes.

Piece by piece,

I’m addicted to grapes,

Its sweetness,

And its juice,

The big and the small,

The juicy sweet,

The slightly sour,

But still,

You eat them anyway,

Right away,

Or in a few days,

Because,

Grapes are like life,

To be consumed

And not wasted.

Life is like grapes,

Plentiful and colourful,

Assorted and varied.

The taste of summer,

The taste of winter,

The taste of those seasons in between,

Grapes are like,

The moments in life,

And I am addicted,

No matter what.

 

Unfinished Thoughts.

The thought begins,

As the words tumble out of your mouth,

It builds in anticipation,

Waiting in line for its turn,

Queuing patiently,

Wearing a patiently impatient smile.

It drifts away, and comes back

When it notes it’s still in line,

With the queue of words ahead,

Not getting any shorter.

They sliding off the tongue,

One phrase at a time,

One sentence at a chunk,

One paragraph.

End.

The night has fallen,

And the thought hangs ten,

Waiting in the cold confines,

Of the busy mind,

Waiting,

Knowing well,

They are words and thoughts meant to be said,

Hanging,

They are joined, one by one,

Phrase by phrase,

Sentence by sentence,

Pages and pages,

Of more thoughts and feelings,

Waiting to be said.

But sometimes…

They age, from memory to the abyss…

Fading, disappearing,

Become something once thought…

Forgotten,

Important?

Sitting in the back of the mind…

Hoping to be remembered,

These thoughts,

Of thoughts,

Of half phrases

Half sentences,

Half thoughts,

Waiting,

Unfinished,

These Unfinished Thoughts.

The Rain That Drenches the Tar.

I think about the rain that drenches the tar

Dying its faded greyness changing it to its shadow self

I think about the days of the sun and happiness,

Thinking about the weather, bringing me some light,

I brush my fingers across the window,

And wipe away the consuming steam,

A measure of my life, marked,

It covers the window,

Shading it white,

Palely reflecting, the rain on the other side.

I brush my fingers across the window,

And mark a memory for the morrow…

I have been thinking about tomorrow,

Treading softly through my sorrow,

My feet are steady,

Unsteadily standing,

Trying to stand tall,

To raise arms high,

To see tomorrow without a sigh,

I ask the world and all,

About the day to come,

But all I hear are the chants of birds in a distant future

The cries of pain from the past,

And the echoing songs of the present,

Over and over,

Merged as one,

As noise that roars,

In my ears and behind closed eyes,

I’m terrified,

Yet hopeful

As the rain that drenches the tar,

Making a mark in the present day,

Almost predicting,

The future to be,

Like a cup and its tea leaves.

That is what a rain drenched tar,

Is like on the day after rain.