I Am Not; I Am.

I am not

An intellect

A writer

A dreamer

An optimist

A thinker

An artist

A poser

A lover

A doer

A reader

A sleeper

But I love

To think of the things

That ought to be deeply thought

And express them in a way

I can do as freely as I choose

And long for a time when I can

Act in a way to save the world

And smile and say ‘it’s okay,

The world will be fine’

But it is a thought,

That might be thought

That needs to be painted

To screened on a sheet

To be dreamt of,

In future tense,

To be displayed in all

It’s wonderful glory,

It is love

At its highest,

A thing that ought to be done

A fairytale dream to be lived,

In the dark recesses of the night time,

I guess I am,

An intellect

A writer

A dreamer

An optimist

A thinker

An artist

A poser

A lover

A doer

A reader

A sleeper

Someone so ordinarily special.

A Thousand Things to Say #2

A Thousand Things to Say #2 — Have a dream, even if it’s impossible, doesn’t mean you can’t have something a little impossible that you want to make possible.

Life is unpredictable.

I know as one gets older, chasing a dream becomes more and more like a dream and no longer a reality, especially when reality sinks in and we’re forced to make choices about our future.  Plans are made, decisions are decided, and careers are begun, leaving behind the dreams that as children we had held onto so tightly.  These days, as I wait, stuck in an in between place, I wonder about my future.  I feel uneasy because I know the older I get, and the more steps I take towards a path aimed at providing income only and most likely no joy at all (I’m aware how narrow minded this sounds but I’m also aware that I’m a person who wants to be happy with her choice and will strive harder to find a happy place rather than settle with what I get), I move further and further away from my dream.

However, I always want to follow my dreams.  It seems as I get older, my dreams grow in numbers. And while I have two main dreams I want to make reality, I know neither will be easy.  Because life is unpredictable after all.  As I kid, I had plenty of dreams, but you know, with life, half of them dropped away because they were just fanciful things that were said one day, but truthfully I, as a person, did not feel much of a desire to follow them.  However, throughout my life, I’ve always had one main goal–rather this goal was born, left to rot, then years later picked up again and since, been cherished.

To me, I find it impossible to conceptualise (and I am highly aware that perhaps for some, having a dream and following it might not be the first priority) a person without a dream.  When I asked my ex what his dream was, he didn’t have one other than the usual ‘to be rich’.  To me, in him, I saw someone who wasn’t reaching for a higher goal, wasn’t striving to be more than the average person, didn’t really have a future goal.  And while at the time, I was understanding and didn’t say much of it, in hindsight I know my own thoughts about his answer were unfair.  Everyone’s dream is a different size.  Not everyone will put chasing a dream first on their list. I know that.  I don’t always remember it.  But I do know it.

And it’s perfectly fine.  But still, I think it’s good to have some sort of goal to chase after.  Otherwise life will become just one long monotonous journey with little to look forward too.  Or perhaps, I am just overthinking all of this, and being too pretentious for my own good.

Still, I can’t help it.  I have had teachers in high school and tutors/Lecturers in university telling me, and saying that everyone should have a dream, something big to look forward to.  Some have already achieved their dream, while others are still striving.  For me, I could never articulate my dream aloud–I felt, and still feel if I say it aloud too often, it my just faded away and streak away from my outstretched fingers–and so often if this question came up in class, I would answer vaguely.  In truth, that always irritated me, and even though I have told myself to say it aloud and not be afraid.

I am still afraid.

A perfectly human thing to think and feel.  Because it’s not called a dream for no reason.  We have dreams in our sleep, and are aspirations of our ideals and desires.  There is no guarantee that our dreams can be reached.  Just like you’re always bound to wake up from your dream and return to reality.  Making a dream reality requires a lot of work, a lot of confidence in self, and I think, most importantly, the belief in yourself that you can surpass all your own fears and procrastinations to achieve that dream.  Life is unpredictable. But if you know yourself, then it might just be possible to chase that little dream however big or small.

Hopefully you’re chasing/still chasing your dream too?

Of Love and Hate.

We are enthralled by the eyes,

Of a man who loves us entirely.

We are enthralled by the sweet words,

Of a man who catches our eyes.

We are enthralled by the heat,

The explosion of energy that sparks between us.

We are just a woman,

And a man,

We are just a girl,

And a boy,

We are just two people,

Falling in love,

At a flash of a moment,

Unable to conquer,

This endless desire.

It draws from us our silliness,

We trip, we fall, we say something stupid,

We get embarrassed, we turn around, we walk away,

We so badly want to touch her,

To touch him,

We know we can’t.

Because there’s this line between us,

So fine, it separates the difference,

Between love and hate.

We are unique beings,

With our own desires and wants,

We are separate individuals,

Moving at our own pace,

We are two people in love,

Looking for a way to exist side by side,

In an endless romance,

That is untouched by that fine line,

Of love and hate.

In love is like loving,

Loving where the heart is open,

Open to that other person,

Accepting, and believing,

Believing, that it is possible,

To love more than hate

The flaws that create

That fine line

Of love and hate.

 

Chasing the Impossible Dream.

I don’t understand the confusion that I’m feeling,

It wells up inside me,

Churning with pain,

Jealousy and mismatched unease.

I can’t the road,

That I have always been looking for,

Even though it’s right there before my eyes,

I don’t need you to tell me,

To break open the shell,

And crack the surface,

Of the many secret worries,

That gather inside of me.

I am like you,

With the same kinds of worries,

And the same kinds of fears,

Unsure of where to go,

Unsure of what I might find,

If I fight for it all,

With all my all,

Facing forward towards the dream,

That I have always been looking for.

I’m afraid that I will fall,

From a cliff higher than mount Everest,

Yet if I stop now,

If I say,

“it’s too much”

I know I’m going to fall,

Much further than physical land.

What gives you the right,

To say, “it’s impossible?”

What gives you the right,

To say, “be realistic.”

What gives you the right?

To question my potential?

I can do it,

Among living in my career,

I can do it,

Achieve it with all my heart,

I can do it,

Gain my dream,

Find tomorrow,

Even if it’s painful,

Even if it’s tiring,

Even if it’s stupid,

I want to reach this impossible dream.

For The Moment.

For the moment,

I am doing my best,

Trying my hardest,

Looking for the farthest,

Unreachable,

Desirable,

Dream.

 

For the moment,

I am winning the war,

Against the law,

Of my self-made door,

Hoping,

Dreaming,

Of tomorrow.

 

For the moment,

I am seeing the future,

That won’t rupture,

And spill with moisture,

Overspilling,

Bleeding,

Free.

 

For the moment,

I am doing everything I can,

To see this come and,

Pass, like soft, golden sand,

Slipping,

Sliding,

Like time.

 

For the moment,

I can’t see the end,

Or the moment that transcend,

All my expectations and untied loose ends,

Painful,

Fun-full,

Til the nigh.

 

For the moment,

I won’t give up trying,

I won’t stop at crying,

Possibly even prying,

Embracing,

Sating,

My greatest wish.

 

For the moment,

I won’t give up,

Not even by dying.

 

Adult.

I want to be an adult

So I can wear those gorgeous high heels.

I want to be an adult,

So I can look tall and elegant in that sexy dress.

I want to be an adult,

With a job, a car, and a apartment to call my own.

I want to grow up, quick,

It sucks being a teen with pimples on my face.

I want to grow up, quickly,

I hate the idea of going to school for six hours.

I want to grow up, quicker!

So I can graduate and go to university.

I go to uni,

The hours are easy.

I go to uni,

Why am I lagging behind on my work?!?

I go to uni,

Not far now.

I am an adult,

Making my own choices.

I am an adult,

Exhausted with every hard working day.

I am an adult,

I love my boyfriend very much.

I wish,

My days weren’t so repetitive.

I wish,

I could sleep through the morning.

I want to be a kid again,

To feel the carefree moments, and think only of today.

I want to be a kid again,

And have my dreams and fantasies.

I want to be a kid again,

But those days are gone.

I can only see the future,

I can only choose tomorrow.

I can only be, an adult.