FEAR

It catches me unawares
This feeling of being scared.

It falls from the sky in shards of ice
Filling me up chilly cold with red hot spice

Of anxiety and anxiousness
Cold sweat on my skin, tightness

In my heart, I wish I weren’t so afraid
Of the worries and trouble I’ve made

As I work my way upwards, reaching for a sky
So high I feel…as if it’s almost a lie

But I don’t want to stop
When I’m so far yet so near to the sun rays of the top

I want this so much, I have no words to express
The fear, anxiety, distress

Is it worth it? I wonder
Should hope so, the voice in my head ponders…

As I face a bright new day
Though the sun fades, its heat dying, it’s still warm in May.

**Note: Dear All, I have been horrendously negligent of my blog this year and for that I’m really sorry!  I have been so busy with postgraduate research and teaching as well as working on a writing project that I haven’t had a chance to pop in.  In saying that, I think too, I have been short of inspiration for things ro write on here and thus took an unexplained leave of absence.  For those reasons, not all worthy! I apologise and hope you’ll still stop by my blog 🙂 I hope to revisit my favourite readers and follower and visit new blogs soon!  Enjoy my poem, it’s not brilliant but it was the first thing I’ve had an urge to write poetically in a long time and strangelt enough, it happened while I was on the train.  

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I Think

I think
Therefore I am
But I think
About the am
That I have become
And wonder if
Perhaps
Maybe
Just a little
This am
That I am
Is not the am
I have always been looking for.
I think
Therefore I am
But this am
Does not really think
Not the way am
Should think
In this world
Of poisonous
Splashtastic
Aesthetic
Trends
That still the spotlight
And overshadow
The simplicity
Of beauty
Stripped back
And bare
Plain as can be
A canvas–appreciated
No need to be created.
I think
Must think
And break
Away from this
Suffocating existence
Of trend
After trend
Of fashion
Over
style
And yet…
I am one
Who cannot run away
From this decorating phase
Who itches to change
And beautify
What is…
Beauty
As is.
I think
Therefore I am
When I can bear
To strip away
From the mainstream flows
Of peacocks
And roosters
Vibrant and beautiful…
And appreciate
The simple
Gentle
Plain beauty
Of basic white.

(Sorry guys I disappeared! You know I’ve been reading over some of my old poetry and truly, I love them a lot more than the ones I write now. They say ‘writing is a way of knowing’ (quoted from Gloria Park an academic in language studies who quoted from a man called Ivanic I believe) and right now I think I’m desperately clinging on to the thoughts I had in this poem: Voices of Yesterday at the same time, I think I’m just evolving. What do you think? I’ve been through some roughish patches and life’s gotten busy and even though I want to express something, I think…I just need the time to think. I miss the dreams of my older poems oh wow there’s a title for another poem! But will it work? Haha thanks again for dropping by for a read! )

Winter is coming.

Winter is coming,

I can feel it in my bones—

That definite chill

That clings to the air

And the ominous disappearance

Of the blue, blue sky.

Mornings are cold,

So much chillier

Than before.

The frigid air that wraps

Around the blanket cocoon

That keeps me warm

In the safety

Of the dreamscape

Where summer still exists.

I dread the early mornings

The same one every day

That is no different

But for the time of the year

And the sun

Yet to rise.

I wake up every morning

And sigh that heavy sigh

Wishing the summer

That had left

With all its

Horrid,

Inescapable heat,

Would come back

And warm my bones again

In a way that hot cocoa

Only achieves

For the space of twenty minutes.

Sometimes I just pretend

That autumn is still here

That it isn’t just an imagined phase

Of seasons

That this year chose

To skip over

And throw me into

The depths of winter

And its chilly hell.

There is an unidentifiable itch

At the back of my throat

Coupled with the later

Morning

Wake ups

And the constant need to

Moisten

The dry fields

Of parched land

At the back of my throat.

I sigh and think

With a heavy reluctance

Reaching for that

Soothing

Miracle—

The cough drop—

That maybe,

Just maybe,

I should accept

The chill that clings to my bones,

The midnight mornings,

And hot cups of comforting cocoa,

And maybe, just maybe

Winter is here.

On The Cliff Edge

I stood upon the cliff edge,
my hair lifting in the breeze.
The sun is setting on the horizon,
and the sea is vengefully cruel below
Smashing waves upon waves
against the cliff face,
angrily protesting
yet quietly warning
In the undercurrent
Of a storm approaching.
Where are the clouds?
They’re hanging over my head.
I look up,
Terrified—
A scream plastered on face
Etched by the hands that frame it
Like an infamous scream
That we all know.
I feel it crumble
breaking apart,
One eye at a time
One finger at a time
Piece by piece
My shattered self rests
Upon the green grass
As the sun sets on the horizon.
A glow of indelible warmth
Casts shadows over my shattered self,
Leaving me bereft
Alone
Incapable of redemption…
I cannot hate
Cannot love
Will not want this shattered state.
Where is my salvation?
I look for it in you—
And think of all the princes,
And knights,
And horses,
That fill those fairy tales.
I realise then,
Standing on that cliff
With the breeze in my hair
And the stars in my eyes
Above me,
Watching over me,
I am my own salvation
My hero
My savior.
The sun will rise tomorrow
Even if I fall down
And suffocate.
The sun will rise again
And the memory of me
Will be lost in time
As a pleasant memory.
Somehow, some way,
I piece together the pieces
That are floating in the wind—
I will catch each one,
No matter how hard,
And if I fall,
Embraced by the water,
Somehow, some way
I will swim back to shore,
To stand on that cliff again
And feel the breeze
Ruffling through my hair.

 

Open Your Eyes My Love.

Open your eyes
My love
And see beyond
What separates us.
It is so lonely
Without your
Firm
And gentle gaze
Upon all
That I am.
Open your hands
My sweet
And accept the beauty
I give.
Let me feel
The endless warmth
Of your heart
In your
Ethereal touch.
Open your mouth
My darling
And taste the future
That still exists.
Do not yearn
For what was lost
And hide
Under covers
Hiding your beauty
From world that needs it.
Open your ears
My precious one
And hear the song
Of endless love.
Forever it shall sound
High among the stars
In a song of the universe
That exists in
A time
Beyond time–
In worlds
Beyond worlds.
Open your eyes
My love
And know that I
Will always be there for you
Even if you cannot see me.
Open your eyes
And see the world
That lives
Breathes
Exist
Around you–
Can you see me now?

The Blue, Blue Sky

When the sky is blue,

Our fears are lost

In a sea of endless

Happiness,

Patchworked

By the clouds

Soft and puffy,

Heavy and dominating,

The moments of our lives

That float by,

Or come in a sudden squall…

Sparking

And crackling,

Thundering across the

Great blue—

Anger burns

Deep within,

Sadness drills

A hole below

To where the darkness lurks

Waiting for that chance

To pull through

And steal away the blue,

Blue sky.

But always there is that

Endless blue

Unafraid

Of what the dark

Can bring.

Because it is always waiting,

In the form of a smile,

Open arms,

And gently floating clouds,

Waiting to come back.

Waiting to watch us

From above,

And be there,

With the sun shining

When our worries have faded

Even if

Only temporarily—

We are not alone

Under the blue,

Blue sky,

Just close your eyes,

Because happiness is waiting.

What Weighs Us Down.

We don’t always mean

What we say

When we say it

More like yell it

As it explodes from our mouths

In a fit of something

That was built on anger,

Or annoyance

Or stress

Or self-loathing.

We love you

We like you

We want to be your friend

Your lover

Your something.

But

We shake

And hate

How we feel afterwards

As our fingers tremble

And disgust fills us

As we wonder

Do we hate?

Do we love?

Is it the limit we have reached?

That makes us say

‘Sometimes I just hate

That part of you…’

And turn our backs

To walk away,

To stride through that door,

And slam it in your face,

To silently

And vengefully

Promise to ourselves

To never turn back.

So why do we go back

Over and over,

After we expressed

What had long been held

Tightly within

And our other selves

Revealed,

The side of darkness

Of curling envy

Of dreaded pain

Of self disgust…

Our words are true,

And emotion filled

Ripping away

The face that you always see.

We are not two faced,

Though it might seem that we,

We are just so calm

That sometimes you forget

That we are human too.

Don’t compare us to bullies

Or domestic abusers,

We are just your friend,

And sometimes,

We want to be heard too.

Sometimes,

It’s not about you,

Even though

We lashed out at you.

Sometimes,

Our shoulders are too heavy,

With things unrelated to you,

Sometimes,

We just don’t know how

To express

What weighs us down the most.

We don’t ask for it,

But we want,

What you want,

And we want

Someone to see

What we really mean;

Look between the words

Of burning fire,

And put out the source

Give back our smiles

And take away

Just a little of

What was us down.