A Thousand Things to Say #4 — Your hurt is my hurt, you are not alone in this world.
Life is big ball of unpredictable events. Your heart is a squishy, constantly beating, prone to cholesterol and all kinds of abuse if taken for granted, organ in your body. Your mind might control how you think but if something happens to your heart, then it’s potentially over–if for a second we ignore the existence of medical genius. If for a second we believe we live in a world where we cannot rely on anything or anyone to look after our bodies. I’d think probably life would be simpler. No one would be telling you that your heart’s weak, no one would tell you you’re going to die. Maybe you might feel it inside yourself that there’s something wrong, but ultimately, you probably wouldn’t know for sure and keep living life as it is. Hopefully, happily.
But these days, life is so evolved, so constantly busy, generally quite fast paced. There are expectations, possibly thousands more than in a world where there was no such thing as technology. Being constantly connected, there’s that expectation that you have to be constantly available. It’s no wonder I enjoy the times when I get to escape from all the busy, busy, busy, bustling constantly demanding demands of various aspects of my life.
But at least I get a reprieve. Lately I’ve been thinking about people who don’t really get that chance. Such as family, such as particular friends, who by nature, cannot just ‘let it go’. Who cannot just ignore things. For me, I like to think I’m a pretty laid back, easy going kind of person who doesn’t think badly about a person all the time. Granted sometimes I will judge on sight, based on previous experiences however that doesn’t mean I won’t give that person a chance for me to like them. But some people aren’t like that,and it pains me.
Some people take things too personally, and while yes, sometimes the situation calls for it because it was totally warranted! And therefore, we must defend ourselves to be able to be confident in ourselves, but then other times, it’s just not worth it. And I watch on the sidelines, and it pains me to see someone picking/extending a fight beyond the necessary. It pains me, knowing that it’s just a misunderstanding. It pains me to know I could do something but I don’t. I don’t because I know if I step in, it’ll make it worse. And when it gets worse, the casualties left behind…we take on a brunt of helplessness. We see your pain but cannot heal it. We want to help but know better than to say ‘it’ll be okay’ because your pain is a pain that only you can face and that only you can heal.
This time round, this is a little similar to what I wrote for A Thousand Things to Say #3 and no doubt that it is. I find that to be able to live happily in this world it is important to remember that we cannot exist alone. If you hold a grudge for a lifetime, if you are constantly hating one thing, and then another thing, and another, you slowly eliminate the possibilities of being happy. You isolate yourself and hold yourself apart because eventually every single thing has done at least ‘something’ wrong to you, hence your grudge. But what kind of world would you be living in if you did that? And then there are the times when you might take something too personally, are too hotheaded to hold back–again, fair enough, we all have our taboos, we all have out sensitive red buttons–and all you want to do is fight back, but you’re scared, so your fear overtakes you and it becomes an obsession, slowly stealing your life bit by bit. There are many things to be afraid of in this world. But do you really want your fears to take over your life? The object of fear can be removed, but would be happier? Life is full of choices. Lately, sometimes I’ve been feeling and contemplating particular choices. One of which puts me in a position where I wonder ‘should I stay and wear it out?’ or ‘have I had enough?’
When I first started writing this post, someone very close to me was going through a difficult time. She was stressing over a problem that often pops up every now and then. However this is not a problem due to external reasons, rather it is a personal problem, from my perspective. It works her up, stresses over it, and while for me, I don’t want to let this ‘thing’ go due to my own selfish reasons, I have considered doing so to appease her, because every time I watch her stress over it, hear her yelling for no particular reason except for something very trivial, it hurts me. I feel it in my chest, this painful squeezing, and it draws dark thoughts about whether it’s worth it, to maintain the situation as it is. Sometimes I wonder if she knows that her overreaction and stresses affect me. And because, up until recently, we never really ‘talked’ about the more stressful topics such as this one (admittedly, I’m a bit of a crybaby sometimes, particularly when I hold something close to me, and when it comes to people close to me), I never entirely understood her feelings.
And when we did talk, I understood her a little better. It became clearer to me that she stressed that much, not just for her own sake, but because she had also considered my own selfish reasons. And because on occasion (once again, admittedly, I can be quite devilish when I’m angry) I say things without thinking (if it’s a mean/bad thing, once I come to my senses I will apologise, but usually what I say when I’m angry are true facts which, as you should know, aren’t things that always want to be heard, and can be very painful), I put her in a complicated situation. While I can’t guarantee that I won’t be putting her in such situations again, and she to I, I know I will try harder to express it better.
Going back to A Thousand Things to Say #3 I’ve already said it before, it’s important to forgive. Just as it is important to talk to each other. You are not alone in this world. It is hard, sometimes to talk about yourself. Not all of us like to share the deepest, darkest hates that resides in our hearts. But sometimes, you just need to let it out, before it eats you up. Because when it’s eating you up, it’s bound to be hurting the people around you too, and sometimes, that’s worse than holding it in.