A Thousand Things to Say #4

A Thousand Things to Say #4 — Your hurt is my hurt, you are not alone in this world.

Life is big ball of unpredictable events.  Your heart is a squishy, constantly beating, prone to cholesterol and all kinds of abuse if taken for granted, organ in your body.  Your mind might control how you think but if something happens to your heart, then it’s potentially over–if for a second we ignore the existence of medical genius.   If for a second we believe we live in a world where we cannot rely on anything or anyone to look after our bodies.  I’d think probably life would be simpler.  No one would be telling you that your heart’s weak, no one would tell you you’re going to die.  Maybe you might feel it inside yourself that there’s something wrong, but ultimately, you probably wouldn’t know for sure and keep living life as it is.  Hopefully, happily.

But these days, life is so evolved, so constantly busy, generally quite fast paced.  There are expectations, possibly thousands more than in a world where there was no such thing as technology.  Being constantly connected, there’s that expectation that you have to be constantly available.  It’s no wonder I enjoy the times when I get to escape from all the busy, busy, busy, bustling constantly demanding demands of various aspects of my life.

But at least I get a reprieve.  Lately I’ve been thinking about people who don’t really get that chance.  Such as family, such as particular friends, who by nature, cannot just ‘let it go’.  Who cannot just ignore things.  For me, I like to think I’m a pretty laid back, easy going kind of person who doesn’t think badly about a person all the time.  Granted sometimes I will judge on sight, based on previous experiences however that doesn’t mean I won’t give that person a chance for me to like them.   But some people aren’t like that,and it pains me.

Some people take things too personally, and while yes, sometimes the situation calls for it because  it was totally warranted!  And therefore, we must defend ourselves to be able to be confident in ourselves, but then other times, it’s just not worth it.  And I watch on the sidelines, and it pains me to see someone picking/extending a fight beyond the necessary.  It pains me, knowing that it’s just a  misunderstanding.  It pains me to know I could do something but I don’t.  I don’t because I know if I step in, it’ll make it worse.  And when it gets worse, the casualties left behind…we take on a brunt of helplessness.  We see your pain but cannot heal it.  We want to help but know better than to say ‘it’ll be okay’ because your pain is a pain that only you can face and that only you can heal.

This time round, this is a little similar to what I wrote for A Thousand Things to Say #3 and no doubt that it is.  I find that to be able to live happily in this world it is important to remember that we cannot exist alone.   If you hold a grudge for a lifetime, if you are constantly hating one thing, and then another thing, and another, you slowly eliminate the possibilities of being happy.  You isolate yourself and hold yourself apart because eventually every single thing has done at least ‘something’ wrong to you, hence your grudge.  But what kind of world would you be living in if you did that?  And then there are the times when you might take something too personally, are too hotheaded to hold back–again, fair enough, we all have our taboos, we all have out sensitive red buttons–and all you want to do is fight back, but you’re scared, so your fear overtakes you and it becomes an obsession, slowly stealing your life bit by bit.  There are many things to be afraid of in this world.  But do you really want your fears to take over your life?  The object of fear can be removed, but would be happier?  Life is full of choices.  Lately, sometimes I’ve been feeling and contemplating particular choices.  One of which puts me in a position where I wonder ‘should I stay and wear it out?’ or ‘have I had enough?’

When I first started writing this post, someone very close to me was going through a difficult time.  She was stressing over a problem that often pops up every now and then.  However this is not a problem due to external reasons, rather it is a personal problem, from my perspective.  It works her up, stresses over it, and while for me, I don’t want to let this ‘thing’ go due to my own selfish reasons, I have considered doing so to appease her, because every time I watch her stress over it, hear her yelling for no particular reason except for something very trivial, it hurts me.  I feel it in my chest, this painful squeezing, and it draws dark thoughts about whether it’s worth it, to maintain the situation as it is.  Sometimes I wonder if she knows that her overreaction and stresses affect me.  And because, up until recently, we never really ‘talked’ about the more stressful topics such as this one (admittedly, I’m a bit of a crybaby sometimes, particularly when I hold something close to me, and when it comes to people close to me), I never entirely understood her feelings.

And when we did talk, I understood her a little better.  It became clearer to me that she stressed that much, not just for her own sake, but because she had also considered my own selfish reasons.  And because on occasion (once again, admittedly, I can be quite devilish when I’m angry) I say things without thinking (if it’s a mean/bad thing, once I come to my senses I will apologise, but usually what I say when I’m angry are true facts which, as you should know, aren’t things that always want to be heard, and can be very painful), I put her in a complicated situation.  While I can’t guarantee that I won’t be putting her in such situations again, and she to I, I know I will try harder to express it better.

Going back to A Thousand Things to Say #3  I’ve already said it before, it’s important to forgive.  Just as it is important to talk to each other.  You are not alone in this world.  It is hard, sometimes to talk about yourself.  Not all of us like to share the deepest, darkest hates that resides in our hearts.  But sometimes, you just need to let it out, before it eats you up.  Because when it’s eating you up, it’s bound to be hurting the people around you too, and sometimes, that’s worse than holding  it in.

A Thousand Things to Say #3

A Thousand Things to Say #3 — Be nice. Be forgiving. Take the time to talk . You only live once.

Life is too short to hold a lifetime grudge. It’s also too short to get angry and to say nothing to the other person for a long period of time. Things become unsaid, feelings unshared, pains undisclosed. Things could be avoided if we spent less time being made and more time forgiving. I have long forgotten how to hold a grudge. I am not a saint. I still remembered the grudges I had for small slights. Yet I also had to thank the people who forgave me for my small mistakes. As a child you can say the worst things, and the fear the repercussions but we learn from these experiences. If we don’t grow, don’t learn to accept, how can we live? I will always apologise when I can because life’s too short to be angry. I fill also seek forgiveness even if it’s hard. We can’t always be nice, life makes it impossible. There is bound to be one person who rubs you the wrong way. But whether you like or hate that person unless you really speak to that person for more than five seconds will you really know whether they are as bad as they seem. Even if they are as bad, at least you gave it a chance. This world exists now but we are fragile beings. Who knows what tomorrow brings? A small mistake compared to words of forgiveness is nothing worth holding a grudge over. To forgive is the strongest power we have. They may even save a life.

A Thousand Things to Say #2

A Thousand Things to Say #2 — Have a dream, even if it’s impossible, doesn’t mean you can’t have something a little impossible that you want to make possible.

Life is unpredictable.

I know as one gets older, chasing a dream becomes more and more like a dream and no longer a reality, especially when reality sinks in and we’re forced to make choices about our future.  Plans are made, decisions are decided, and careers are begun, leaving behind the dreams that as children we had held onto so tightly.  These days, as I wait, stuck in an in between place, I wonder about my future.  I feel uneasy because I know the older I get, and the more steps I take towards a path aimed at providing income only and most likely no joy at all (I’m aware how narrow minded this sounds but I’m also aware that I’m a person who wants to be happy with her choice and will strive harder to find a happy place rather than settle with what I get), I move further and further away from my dream.

However, I always want to follow my dreams.  It seems as I get older, my dreams grow in numbers. And while I have two main dreams I want to make reality, I know neither will be easy.  Because life is unpredictable after all.  As I kid, I had plenty of dreams, but you know, with life, half of them dropped away because they were just fanciful things that were said one day, but truthfully I, as a person, did not feel much of a desire to follow them.  However, throughout my life, I’ve always had one main goal–rather this goal was born, left to rot, then years later picked up again and since, been cherished.

To me, I find it impossible to conceptualise (and I am highly aware that perhaps for some, having a dream and following it might not be the first priority) a person without a dream.  When I asked my ex what his dream was, he didn’t have one other than the usual ‘to be rich’.  To me, in him, I saw someone who wasn’t reaching for a higher goal, wasn’t striving to be more than the average person, didn’t really have a future goal.  And while at the time, I was understanding and didn’t say much of it, in hindsight I know my own thoughts about his answer were unfair.  Everyone’s dream is a different size.  Not everyone will put chasing a dream first on their list. I know that.  I don’t always remember it.  But I do know it.

And it’s perfectly fine.  But still, I think it’s good to have some sort of goal to chase after.  Otherwise life will become just one long monotonous journey with little to look forward too.  Or perhaps, I am just overthinking all of this, and being too pretentious for my own good.

Still, I can’t help it.  I have had teachers in high school and tutors/Lecturers in university telling me, and saying that everyone should have a dream, something big to look forward to.  Some have already achieved their dream, while others are still striving.  For me, I could never articulate my dream aloud–I felt, and still feel if I say it aloud too often, it my just faded away and streak away from my outstretched fingers–and so often if this question came up in class, I would answer vaguely.  In truth, that always irritated me, and even though I have told myself to say it aloud and not be afraid.

I am still afraid.

A perfectly human thing to think and feel.  Because it’s not called a dream for no reason.  We have dreams in our sleep, and are aspirations of our ideals and desires.  There is no guarantee that our dreams can be reached.  Just like you’re always bound to wake up from your dream and return to reality.  Making a dream reality requires a lot of work, a lot of confidence in self, and I think, most importantly, the belief in yourself that you can surpass all your own fears and procrastinations to achieve that dream.  Life is unpredictable. But if you know yourself, then it might just be possible to chase that little dream however big or small.

Hopefully you’re chasing/still chasing your dream too?

A Thousand Things to Say #1

I’m thinking of starting a new thing on my blog.  I’ve got quotes from other people–famous, writers, personalities, book characters–but I think it’s time I share a bit of my own wisdom.  I’m not sure how this will go, or what I will say in these parts, but I think it’ll be a nice change.  I’ve needed a bit more change on my blog–that and time.   This will be a temporary segment though, lasting only 1000 pieces of wisdom.

A Thousand Things To Say #1 —-  Don’t hate what you love.  If you like it, you like it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s a cliched piece of wisdom, but it’s wisdom none the less, and I definitely believe in remembering it whenever I face a situation where it’s evident I’m not sharing the majority opinion.  In incidences like these, I have been known for declaring my opinion just a little too loudly, and usually after saying what I really think out loud, I some times feel that widening circle of wariness around me.  Yet, it can’t be helped, I just don’t agree, and remembering that it’s okay to say that I like something has pushed me through.   I won’t lie, I’m sometimes not the strongest person in the world and seeing that I’m different has sometimes shakes my nerves.  After all as a kid, I had to deal with being the only Asian girl in my year–despite the multicultralism of my city, it was still pretty uniform.  And while I appreciated my ethnicity, I didn’t really learn how to appreciate it until later on–and this meant rejecting traditional foods of my ethnicity, and foods that other people weren’t eating.  I didn’t like being short (I’m petite btw and I have a complex about my height, though I don’t try to think about it much, and I would wear heels, but oh boy, you’ll never guess…finding heels for my feet…..is worse than looking for a needle in a haystack to use a common idiom).  I didn’t like looking different.  I wanted to be taller (don’t we all want to be taller? And if we’re not short, then, don’t we all want to be a little shorter?  Just a little different because we think it might make us feel a little bit better?)  It was later on, in highschool, after feeling like a coward for letting myself be bullied–it was partially my fault (no matter how much one says it’s not your fault, you sat idly by…), even if I definitely blamed the bully who bullied me–and not make a stand (too quiet for my own good, henceforth the point where I decided I wanted to speak up, even if a little bit) that I learnt this piece of wisdom.  I was never suicidal, I like to think despite being weak sometimes, I could learn to be strong, and where better to start with appreciating my difference?  It was me who was maing a big deal about things, and hence emphasised how I saw others looking at me.  Truthfully, I like how I look.  I like eating what I like.  I like that I can be cute and small even if sometimes it sucks ( like if I happen to want to sit behind the driver’s seat, I need a cushion so it doesn’t look like Aunt Petunia craning her neck to see what the neighbours are doing).  But then, there are heels for that! (But only when they fit, and I have come into a bit of luck about that over the last few years and still have a functioning wallet.)  From there, it was only a matter taking it step by step to be unafraid of saying ‘I like this’.  Of course when it comes to guys, there is still that ever present fear–but hey, that’s another story.